How to be more confident.

Confidence is a choice you can make and a skill you can train. Before we dive in to the top 6 strategies to help us be more confident, let’s take a look at what being confident really means.
Written by Emily Hill-Smith
June 29, 2022
25 min read
be more confident

Confidence is a choice you can make and a skill you can train. Neuroscience research tells us we can train our mental abilities in much the same way we can train our physical abilities. Using a different mental habit more frequently and deliberately will change the physical neural pathway in your brain. Over time, it will become more automatic, just as a physical skill does.

Before we dive in to the top 6 strategies to help us be more confident, let’s take a look at what being confident really means.

What is Confidence?

Confidence is a belief in ourselves to carry out an action. Or simply put, our self-belief. This is different from self-esteem. Self-esteem concerns your belief in yourself as a human to be good and worthy of a place in the world (which we all are!). Lacking self-esteem would look similar to feeling worthless and never “good enough” by just being themselves.

Confidence and self-belief are more based on behaviour. Can I complete an action successfully to reach a desired outcome?

When considering whether we have confidence, we can ask ourselves 2 simple questions.

  1. CAN I DO IT?
    1. I.e., if I was to do my best, would I be able to complete the required action, whether it be revising for an exam or passing a ball to a teammate?
  2. CAN IT HAPPEN?
    1. i.e., if I completed the actions above, would they result in the targeted outcome?

To feel and behave our most confident, we need the above answers to both be ‘YES’.

A common mistake here is that the ‘IT’ targets we use are often OUT OF OUR CONTROL.

How can we possibly feel confident about doing something we have no control over?

Here are some examples:

  1. Can I do it? Can I shoot the ball harder than the goalkeeper can move? Can it happen? Can I score a goal?
  2. Can I do it? Can I shoot the ball as hard as I can? Can it happen? Can I place the ball in the top corner?

Hopefully you can see the first example is focussed on behaviours and results, out of our control. We have no control over how fast the goalkeeper moves, nor do we have full control over whether the ball goes in the goal – what about defenders, deflections, my own body positioning and follow through, the playing surface, an epic save?

Meanwhile, the second example, being based solely on actions and outcomes directly in my control, is a much more powerful source of confidence.

As we go through the 6 confidence strategies below, keep in mind out 2 questions, and to what extent your answers are based in your control.

Strategy #1

Sources of Confidence

Where do you get your confidence from?

Try it: Take a moment to list down some of your sources of confidence.

Then mark which ones are based within your control, and which ones are out of your control. How does the importance of each source compare and are there any correlations of whether they are in or out of your control?

The aim with this exercise is to notice what in life gives you confidence. If you notice your sources are largely external, have a think about how these could be re-phrased to be within your control and from an internal place.

Strategy #2

Definition of Success

Society gives us a clear externally sourced definition for this, whether it be exam results, or salary, houses, or cars. But how often are these within our control? Someone else (unless you’re self-employed where you can influence it) has say over how much your time is worth.

Research tells us that by leading a life defined by few measures of success which are out of our control ultimately leads to a draining and unfulfilling life. Whilst defining success on a range of outcomes, with some being inside as well as outside our control, will lead to a more enjoyable and fulfilling life.

Try it: Look at the graphic below and have a think about how you define success in your life. Are you happy with how you define it? Or would you prefer to live a life more aligned to what you think is important in the world?

REMINDER: It is your life, live it the way you want to, and define it by your parameters.

Strategy #3

Visualisation

Neuroscience research tells us that when you visualise, the same parts of your brain get a workout as when you actually perform the action. Missy Franklin, Olympic swimmer Gold Medallist, famously says:

“When I walked out onto the blocks at the Olympic final, I wasn’t there for the first time, like my competitors were. I was there for the 50th time. Because that was how many times I had imagined the race from start-to-finish in my head.”

By imagining ourselves performing well in a situation, (and equally imagining it going wrong and planning, in the comfort of your own mind, how to recover the situation – More on this in my other post ‘Coping Under Pressure’), we can become more familiar with the situation, feel more prepared, and ultimately more confident.

Try it: Think of a situation you would like to be confident for. See yourself being confident before, during and after the moment. What are you focusing on? What is your body language like? How are you talking to yourself? What would others see, hear, and feel from you?

Top tip: Get all your senses firing. Visualisation is most impactful with rich pictures!

Strategy #4

Confidence is a behaviour.

We typically think about confidence as a feeling. “I feel confident”. But part of the human condition is that feelings come and go, so this can be a fragile basis for confidence.

To promote yourself having more confidence in a range of situations, choose (and, yes, this is an active choice) to view confidence as a behaviour. You will likely find the feeling follows. But if it doesn’t, and you’ve managed to act in a confident way, does it even matter?

Try it: Following your detailed visualisation of a specific situation, have a go at acting out what you’ve imagined. Afterwards, think about:

  • What went well?
  • What can go better next time?
  • How did it feel having been there before, even mentally?

Top tip: This is a skill, so it takes time to practice and get right. Keep going!

Strategy #5

Strengths

I don’t know you. Yet I know you have so many strengths and things to be proud of. We all do. Sometimes it can feel strange admitting we are proud of ourselves, and sometimes people are worried about appearing arrogant to others. But in reality, you can know what you’re good at and what you’re happy you’ve done with genuine pride and authenticity. Our minds can need a bit of coaching to pay attention to the positives.

If you’re genuinely not sure what your strengths as an individual might be, then try answering these questions.

  • Think of a situation you are proud of. How did you get to the outcome you wanted? What skills did you have to use to get there? How did you treat others? Which parts of the situation were easier, and required less effort?
  • For a more extensive exploration of your strengths, feel free to try this survey which will identify them for you based on the 24 Character Strengths and Virtues Model: https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths

Try it: Have a go at filling in the Belief Wall below by listing your achievements (the big wins in your life); what your most proud of (no one else needs to be proud of them) your strengths (unique to you); and your values (what you think is important in life and what guides how you want to live).

Top tip: Don’t be afraid to take this with you in life and remind yourself of it wherever you go.

Strategy #6

Preparation

We all know the saying: “fail to prepare, prepare to fail”. This is also true for fostering confidence. Being prepared can be a source of confidence. To maximise this strategy, it is important to understand what we need to do to feel like we are as prepared as we need to be so we can perform at our best.

To find this out, ask yourself: What do I need to do to know I have done all I can to be at my best?

This will look different for each of us, dependent on the task and our current strengths and weaknesses relating to the task. Maybe for you it’s about hitting a number of repetitions of a movement or setting up an environment to get a good night’s sleep. Maybe it’s sticking to a break schedule during revision to allow yourself to re-coop and focus better or visualising the situation a certain number of times before hand.

To strengthen this, it is best to have your preparation plan as specific as possible. Equally, the content of your preparation plan can be guided by asking friends, teachers, coaches, and family what might be needed to be most prepared. Diversity of thought and ideas is a powerful thing. Equally, if the people around you know your aim, then just like with goal setting, this can keep you accountable and supported throughout.

Try it: Design and write out a plan for a specific situation you want to be confident for. As you go, tick off what you have done so you have a physical reminder of all your hard work! Finally, prepare to succeed.

Final thoughts

Above we have explored a range of strategies to help you act confidently when it matters. These may not all work for you, and some may work brilliantly. Pay attention to which ones do work and practice using them whenever you can. Remember: Confidence is a choice you can make and a skill you can train.

Throughout all the strategies, one concept dominated; control what you can control.

I’d love to hear how you found these strategies and which ones worked best for you. Please comment below, or get in touch: emilyhillsmith@gmail.com

Written by Emily Hill-Smith
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